Unsolicited advice: why do people give it and what to do with it? How to find yourself? What will the person who has found himself advise? What to advise a person

Depression is a true torture for those who have experienced it. It causes feelings of sadness and hopelessness, low self-esteem, and in some cases suicidal thoughts and even attempts to act on these thoughts. If among your acquaintances there is a person suffering from depression, it is quite difficult to solve this problem, and such a situation can overshadow not only him, but also your feelings. You are obliged to help a loved one, but be careful, because your oversight can aggravate the situation. Even if it seems to you that a person is not listening to you, he will still try to cope with the situation in one way or another. If you don't know how to help a person suffering from depression, the following tips are just for you.

Steps

Talk to a loved one about depression

Be persistent. Let your loved one know that you care about them. If this is your friend, do not underestimate the situation and say that she just had a “bad month”. If she tries to change the subject, stand your ground and return to the conversation about her emotional state.

Don't be aggressive. Do not forget that your loved one has an emotional problem and is very vulnerable at the moment. While it's important to be firm in your arguments, don't be too pushy at first.

• Don't start the conversation with, "You're depressed. How can we solve this problem?” Instead, say something like this: “I noticed that you have been in a bad mood lately. What do you think is happening to you?”
• Be patient. Sometimes it takes a while for the person to open up, so wait as long as it takes. Don't let him lose his temper and end the conversation.

Talk to a loved one

1. Be a good listener. The best thing you can do is listen carefully to your loved one about their depression. Be ready to listen to everything he has to say. Try not to look shocked, even if he says something scary, otherwise he will stop talking. Be open and caring by listening to him without judgment.

   • If your loved one refuses to talk, try asking them some carefully thought out questions. This will help him open up. For example, ask how he spent his weekend.
   • If your loved one tells you something that upsets you, encourage them with the words: “It must be hard for you to talk about this,” or: “Thank you for trusting me.”

2. Listen to the patient with all your attention. Put down the phone, look him straight in the eyes, and show that you are completely absorbed in the conversation with him.

   Choose the right words. What a depressed person really needs is empathy and understanding. It is necessary not only to listen carefully to him, but also to show sympathy in the conversation. Here are some helpful phrases for talking to a loved one about depression:

   • "You are not alone. I am always with you".
   • “Now I understand that you are seriously ill, and this is what causes you to have such thoughts and feelings.”
   • “You may not believe it now, but everything will definitely work out.”
   • "Maybe I don't fully understand how you feel, but I'm worried about you and want to help."
   • "You mean a lot to me, and I care about your life."

3. Do not advise a loved one to "pull themselves together." Not the best solution to a problem is to advise a depressed person to "pull himself together" or "cheer up." Show empathy. Imagine that it seems to you that the whole world has taken up arms against you and your whole life is going to dust. What would you like to hear? Do not forget that depression is a truly painful and unpleasant condition. Do not use the following phrases:

   • "It's all in your head."
   • “We all go through hard times sometimes.”
   • “You will be all right. Don't worry".
   • "Look at things more optimistically."
   • “There are so many things in your life that are worth living for; why do you want to die?
   • "Stop pretending to be crazy."
   • "What's the matter with you?"
   • "You should be feeling better by now!"

4. Do not argue with a loved one about his condition. Don't try to get a depressed person out of their condition. The feelings of such people are sometimes inexplicable, but you will not be able to help your loved one if you prove that he is wrong or argue with him. Instead, you can say something like, “I'm sorry you don't feel well. What can I do for you?"

   • Do not forget that your friend may not express his true feelings. Many people with depression are ashamed of their condition and lie about their illness. If you ask if everything is okay, he will say yes, so rephrase your questions if you want to know how your friend really feels.

5. Help your friend see things from a different perspective. In a conversation with a loved one, be as optimistic as possible. Don't be overconfident, but try to show your friend that there are good things in life.

Be ready to support the patient

Keep in touch. Call your loved one, write an encouraging card or letter, or visit them. This will show that you are always ready to help him, no matter what happens. In addition, there are many other ways to keep in touch with a loved one.

• Make a decision to visit the patient as often as possible, but do not be too intrusive.
• If you are at work, keep in touch via email.
• If you can't call him every day, text him as often as possible.

1. Take the patient for a walk. If you take a walk with a loved one down the street, he will certainly feel better, even if only for a short time. It is very difficult for a person suffering from depression to force himself to leave the house. Invite him to take his mind off his thoughts in the fresh air.

   • It doesn't have to be a marathon. Twenty minutes in the open air will be enough. Your friend will definitely feel better thanks to the walk.

2. Go to nature. According to some studies, spending time in nature can help reduce stress levels and improve your mood. Scientists have proven that a walk in the fresh air helps to organize thoughts, promote relaxation and improve mood.

   Enjoy the sun together. Being in the sun contributes to the saturation of the body with vitamin D, which significantly improves mood. Even if you just sit on a bench and soak up the sun for a few minutes, it will benefit both you and him.

   Encourage your friend to do something new. If your friend does something exciting, he will have an incentive to live and this, at least for a short time, will distract him from depressive thoughts. While it's not necessary to recommend skydiving or mastering Japanese, it's your responsibility to suggest interesting activities to your friend that will help them shift priorities and forget about depression for a while.

   • Recommend inspirational books to a friend. You can read them together, sitting in the park, and discuss their content.
   • Bring a friend a movie from your favorite director. Your friend will benefit from watching exciting movies, and you can keep him company.
   • Invite a friend to express themselves in creativity. Drawing, art, or writing poetry will help your friend express himself. You can be creative together.

3. Congratulate your friend on their accomplishments. Congratulate your friend on their success when they reach certain milestones. Even small successes, such as taking a bath or going to the grocery store, make a big difference to a depressed person.

   Help a loved one with everyday tasks. Of course, you can help a friend get involved in something new or go out more often, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to be there and help with everyday issues, then your loved one will not feel lonely.

Don't overexert yourself

1. Don't forget about yourself. Chances are high that your friend will resist your advice and support, which will no doubt frustrate you. It is very important not to take the patient's pessimism to heart. This is just a symptom of the disease, not a reaction to your actions. If you feel that the patient's pessimism is wearing you down, take a break and do something more inspiring and enjoyable.

   • This is especially important if you live with a sick person and you find it difficult to escape from everyday worries.
   • Remember that it's all about the disease, not the person.
   • Even if you do not live together, look at the patient at least once a day to make sure everything is in order.
   • The more people support a depressed person, the more distracted they will be.

How to recognize the desire of a loved one to commit suicide and what to do in this situation, how to talk to a person in such a state, and what phrases are better not to say?

"Paper" tells how to help people at suicidal risk and what to do if a person refuses help.

Is it possible to somehow determine that a loved one is going to commit suicide if he does not directly say so?

Yes. At least about 80% of people report a desire to commit suicide. This can be stated directly by a person - with phrases like "I'm thinking about suicide", "It would be better to die" or "I don't want to live anymore" - or indirectly: "You don't have to worry about me anymore", "I'm tired of everything", “They will still regret it when I leave”, “I can’t do this anymore”, “I won’t see this anymore.” Sometimes suicide jokes and farewells to other people can be warning signs.

In addition, people who plan to commit suicide withdraw from family and friends, isolate themselves, and lose interest in their hobbies. They complete their business: distribute debts and things and rewrite the will. Among the behavioral signs that may indicate suicidal tendencies are apathy, loss of appetite, refusal to eat and personal hygiene. Potential suicides tend to take risks, such as driving at high speeds.

This behavior means that the person is indirectly asking for help. Often people around ignore these signs or are afraid to talk about other people's problems. But to help in such a situation, you need to directly ask about intentions: “Do you seem to be planning to die? Are you thinking about death? That's what people who plan suicide say, don't you? I'm worried, are you going to die?"

Are there groups of people most prone to suicide?

Yes. According to the director of the Foresight Center Renata Trubacheva, these are, first of all, people who find themselves in a difficult life situation: survivors of the death of a loved one, a catastrophe, a terrorist attack, faced with natural disasters, violence, serious illness, unwanted pregnancy or problems with the law.

According to her, teenagers and older people commit suicide more often than mature people because of feelings of loneliness; bachelors, for the same reason, are also more likely to commit suicide.

She notes that people with serious illnesses kill themselves more often than healthy people due to physical suffering, and LGBT people have a higher suicide rate than heterosexuals because of the aggression they face in society. The unemployed and people who have experienced professional collapse are more likely to decide on suicide - they feel unnecessary, capable of little and losers. On average, women are three times more likely to attempt suicide, but men are three times more likely than women to complete suicide.

A loved one said he wanted to commit suicide. What to answer and where to advise him to apply?

First of all, you need to understand that your friend or relative is in a difficult life situation, and do not say phrases like “Oh, come on, you think the girl left, but you will have ten more of these!”, thus devaluing his experiences. Ask not to commit suicide, offer to talk and discuss the problem first.

Try to explain: you understand that he feels immensely lonely, and you want to be there. Meet more often, stay overnight, invite guests. Emphasize the fact that you care and are ready to discuss and help find a way out of the situation.

There are several dozen helplines in the city, advise your loved one to try to discuss the situation with specialists. So, you can call the hotline for children and adolescents (004), for victims of domestic violence (320-67-24), for alcoholism and drug addiction (235-14-70). A complete list of helplines can be viewed.

My friend called and said he was going to commit suicide right now. What to do in this situation?

Ask where he is and talk to him as long as possible: while he is talking, he is alive. Tell him to wait for you and ask a neighbor, friend or anyone nearby to call an ambulance or the police - depending on the situation. You don't have to deal with this alone.

What advice would you give to people whose loved ones or relatives have expressed a desire to commit suicide?

Take care of them, show participation, always be in touch. It is necessary to explain that they are not omnipotent, and if a person passes away, despite all attempts to help him, it is not their fault. You should be prepared for the manifestation of strong emotions: anger at a loved one, feelings of guilt and helplessness. This is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Those close to those who declare a desire to commit suicide also need support.

If a person has attempted suicide, his loved ones also experience mental pain, grief and grief. This experience needs to be experienced and reflected on, preferably with someone. You can seek support from friends and loved ones or turn to a psychologist to discuss fears with him and bring yourself back to normal.

I would advise you to remember that the main criterion for family life is fidelity. The realization that you don't belong to yourself. And this is a struggle with pride and selfishness. This does not begin from the moment the crowns are placed on the head, but much earlier.
Priest John Tronko, Rector of the Church of St. Peter the Mohyla, Ukrainian Orthodox Church of the Moscow Patriarchate, Kyiv. Father of four children:
I would advise you to remember that the main criterion for family life is fidelity. The realization that you don't belong to yourself. And this is a struggle with pride and selfishness. This does not begin from the moment the crowns are placed on the head, but much earlier. Every young man and every girl, even without getting married, while still studying at an institute or school, is already beginning to feel like someone else's other half. Not the center around which the whole life should revolve, but the second half of a loving, close person. Precisely this is the reason for the preservation of purity before marriage in the Church: the fact that I am the only, uniquely close person, but I still don’t know whose.
However, this is not inferiority, this is a state when a person works on his character, works on the potential that God Himself has invested in him. But in reality, this potential can only be realized in family life.
Priest Sergiy Klimenko, Rector of the Church of the Holy Great Martyr Tatiana at the Orenburg State University:
When people get married, they exchange rings. The ring is a symbol of eternity. So ask yourself: are you ready with this person who is standing next to you to share eternity? Even if your parents will not help you, your friends will support you... This person is not at all the one with whom you can have a friendly drink or cry together, he is your soul mate for eternal life, here and in Heaven.
Alexander Krupinin, host of Grad Petrov radio station, St. Petersburg. 28 years of married life, father of two children: The 18th-century Swedish mystic Emmanuel Swedenborg wrote that in the Kingdom of God, people who are united by marriage become a single being, an androgyne. Whether this is true or not is unknown. But in any case, the marital relationship is not limited to earthly life. It is terrible when people, not understanding this, do not protect their feelings. They cease to love, respect and even begin to hate each other. But they are forever connected. Will not eternity be hell for them? ..
We must try to keep love, warm it up. And then the Lord will help. Feelings will become deeper and deeper, and already here, in this world, to some extent, two will become one being. This is a very great joy, but only a slight shadow of the joy that awaits you in eternity.
Evgeny Tsukanov, Head of the Department of Journalism, Starooskol Branch of Voronezh State University:
The main thing in marriage is not to build rainbow illusions. Marriage is serious, akin to a feat when you constantly have to break yourself, sacrifice your leisure, sleep, strength for the sake of the second half, children. But the fact of the matter is that thoughts about the feat being accomplished must be constantly driven away from oneself so as not to fall into delusion: here, they say, what I am - almost a saint. I read bedtime stories to children, take out the garbage, cook dinner, and generally work at three jobs. Marriages are known to be made in Heaven. Such a kind of conclusion is a voluntary seclusion in the space of close relatives, so as not to squander oneself over trifles, not to succumb to life's temptations. You were locked together with a key, which is kept for eternity for greater safety. The etymology of the word "wedding" can go back to the crown of thorns, which His tormentors put on the Savior before execution. Agree, there is no romance here. However, it is very important to remember that marriage is also a great joy, the joy of the fact that two people become one. In a family, people do not just unite - with the power of love, they open eternity to each other.
Natalya Kalinina, lecturer in sociology at the Ryazan Institute of Moscow State Educational Institution, head of the school of the Orthodox family "Mother Soul". 45 years old, married 25 years, mother of five children:
Don't relax. Prepare yourself for the daily hourly work of preserving and multiplying love. Sow the seeds of self-sacrifice in your soul and remove the sprouts of selfishness. Do not extinguish in yourself the desire to give yourself to your loved one, take care of him, protect him, because the more you give of yourself, the happier the marriage.
Mikhail Serkov, musical director of the ReMake vocal group, St. Petersburg. 12 years of marriage:
I will talk about everyday life, because many people will probably say about the sublime even without me. From the very beginning of family life, it would be nice to have at least a tiny, but own corner. Living with parents (even the best ones) turns out to be a rather difficult test, and few, unfortunately, cope with it. And it is also desirable that the husband and wife work in different places. This expands the boundaries of family perception of the world and it becomes possible to relax from each other.
Elena Kuryakova, housewife, Queretaro, Mexico. 7 years of married life, two children:
Simple, but necessary things for a happy family life: give more than receive, put your loved one first, trust in everything and always, make any decisions together, as we are one team, share our thoughts and feelings even over trifles, with respect treat relatives, make unexpected and pleasant surprises, enjoy life every moment without postponing happiness for later!

In the East there is a direction “reading by faces”. Experts say that there is such a category of people whose faces "attract misfortune to themselves." Does this theory have any real basis?

- There is such a factology: if a person, a child is systematically told that he is bad and predicts various kinds of misfortunes, criticize and so on, then, strictly speaking, he begins to exist in this field of negative information. If parents say: “so that you die, it would be better if you were not born; you were born, although we didn’t want it,” then such messages form the principles of the field “I’m not needed, I won’t succeed.” It is these principles, messages from parents, of course, that secondarily influence facial expressions ...

Let's take Süskind's "Perfume" as an example. The main character was born in the fish market, he was immediately thrown somewhere in the trash. He initially received a rather tough program: "you are not needed, your place is in the trash." He coped with this by creating his own magical world, completely strange in terms of the environment. In such situations, you need to constantly build a very complex survival system in order to somehow cope.

- Still, if we talk about faces? ..

Indeed, there are such people. When different people with problems come to a psychotherapist, sometimes the expression of “unhappiness”, hopelessness, hopelessness, and so on is really firmly fixed on their face. These complexes are usually associated with early childhood impressions and, of course, affect their lives: family, career, and so on.

- American writer Dale Carnegie once voiced the secret of successful communication. According to him, it lies in a smile ...

- I would say that this is not a question of a smile. Because if you have a gloomy character, and you smile, then, in general, the benefit of this is small. A purely mechanical smile is quickly deciphered: the interlocutor understands that this is just a “facade”, that in fact the person treats him unkindly ...

By the way, there is a common phrase that a Japanese smiles and then sticks a knife in. In Japanese culture, the expression of a smile is a mandatory rule of good manners: no matter how you treat a person, and no matter what actions you want to take towards him, you must smile.

The "secret of successful communication" lies, rather, in sincerity and goodwill, which are really very useful. If you have any claims against a person, they can be openly expressed, if at the same time you show that you are friendly towards a person, then he will readily fulfill any of your requests.

- In Russia, it is not very customary to smile. Why is it so?

- Yes, when foreigners come here, they always ask: “why do you have such gloomy people?”. It is not customary for us to uphold the value of joy. Unfortunately, it is customary for us to hide positive emotions, “so that they don’t envy, so that they don’t jinx it.” These are not very good messages. By the way, if we talk about general social norms, then “smiling cultures”, of course, are more psychologically prosperous.

Many associate the situation of financial instability with a surge of despondency among people. What advice would you give people to keep them from becoming discouraged?

If we fall into a dull depressive state, our consciousness usually narrows, that is, we move into a certain pole, we begin to see everything in a gloomy light. But we should not forget about the principle of polarity. It is necessary that a person, according to this principle, consider both bad facts and deliberately, consciously look at what good, promising things are in his life, what resources he continues to have. Because life is a multifaceted event, in any bad moment there is always a polarity.

If we convince ourselves that nothing bad is happening, when in fact it is not, this is not very welcome in modern psychology. A stronger move is the recognition of negative factors in reality and the search for positive moments that are polar to them. This is what restores our balance and mental well-being in any crisis situation.

- What should be done first?

- It is important to understand “what I want, what is valuable for me, and what, of course, it is a pity to lose, but, in principle, I will live without it.” You need to be more attentive to your needs, both in relation to the present and to the future.

Many people are really used to something, and loss or fear of loss in itself is a strong experience for them. If you are attentive to your needs, plan, manage the future, then it turns out that such needs are rather far-fetched or not so significant.

This "cleansing" of one's needs, and focusing one's energy on meeting real needs in the future, is a useful technique. Then you will not worry about questions, for example, “they cut my salary, there is less money.” Because you will ask yourself: “less money ... but do I really need more, and is it worth suffering about it?”. If you really do not have enough for something specific, then you need to do something, correct the situation. And in such a formulation, “just a lot of money or little” is not a very successful psychological formulation. More money does not mean "better" if you do not spend it on your real needs.