09.03.2010.
Psychologist's advice: Trusting relationship with mom
Mom and daughter are two women, the two closest people. But even they find it difficult to understand each other. After all, relationships are not only the correct educational process on the part of the parent, but also the child's ability to hear and accept advice from the elder.
Being inside some kind of relationship, it can be extremely difficult to understand your mistakes, overcome conflicts and find a common language. The school teacher in this situation is an outside observer: by regularly communicating with children, she better understands their inner world, and as an adult, she knows what expectations a mother has from her daughter. That is why the teacher is able to harmonize the relationship between them. On the eve of the women's holiday, Always Academy recommends touching on the topic of trusting relationships both with parents - at the parent meeting, and with teenage girls - at the classroom hour.
The basis of the formation of gender is to find a common language between two representatives of the same sex, but of different generations. In her article "Mother and daughter - a difficult balance," psychoanalyst Karin Bell says that at the first menstruation, the girl realizes herself as a woman and future mother. And depending on what kind of relationship she has with her mother, she will accept this role with joy or will give up her femininity.
With the onset of menarche, each girl realizes that she is now like her mother in everything (in fact, the first menstruation marks the achievement of physiological adulthood and the ability to give birth to children). At this moment, there should be a re-rapprochement with the mother, but not as a parent and child, but as two women, two friends, two equal people. A girl can accept a changing body and its new functions (and thereby join the continuity of the female line in the family) only in the case of trusting contact, and not rivalry.
Despite the desire to move away, corresponding to a transitional age, the girl counts on maternal support in many areas of her life. However, she often "replaces" her with some adult, most often idealized, aunt, teacher, actress, or turns to her "best friend", who turns into an adviser on all issues. At the same time, not all adults are able to realize the share of their responsibility for the fact that the child begins to seek advice on the side. As a result, both parties fall into a trap: the mother deprives herself of the opportunity to share her life experience, thereby gradually controlling her child, and the daughter risks following an unreliable recommendation.
In such situations, the authority of a school teacher can help to impress both the parent and the girls that the first step is taken by the one who is wiser and more courageous, the one who understands how important trusting communication in the family is.
So, for teenage girls, it is important to convey that from adolescence it is no longer possible to demand one-sided understanding from the mother. Moms get tired at work, get sick - you need to learn to feel your mother's condition and look for an approach to her. Help around the house, sympathy, interest in mother's problems, the desire to learn more about her as a person, together to remember her childhood and adolescence will create an excellent basis for mutual understanding and sharing a unique female experience.
Adults should not forget that a daughter is a separate person, and not their property, and therefore the tastes of mother and daughter for clothes or young people may differ. And in order to give advice to which the daughter will subsequently listen, one must know her interests and needs well. And here there is nothing better than asking the daughter as much as possible as an equal, as an adult about what she wants.
"Always Academy" is sure that the upcoming holiday on March 8 can serve as a good opportunity for each of them to take the first step towards each other.
Aksinya Doronina, Clinical Psychologist, Always Academy
Take care of the future!A good education, careful mate selection, and healthy eating are long-term investments in well-being: even decades later, they affect your self-esteem and success. There are other, less obvious investments in a happy future - these are psychological skills, thanks to which you will easily step over difficulties and achieve your goals. So, before you're 30, learn to...
To be alone
If you want to know a person deeper, including yourself, live with him. Only in this way will you understand how to recognize your desires and negotiate with your inner voice when it blames you for all the troubles or demands a nightly portion of french fries. If you remain calm when you find yourself alone, you are not threatened with an affair out of desperation or the loss of personal boundaries in a relationship.
Show resilience
Martial arts training begins with the ability to fall correctly. This skill will also come in handy in the struggle for a place in the sun. If fate tripped you up or pushed you off the beaten path, don't wallow and count emotional trauma, but quickly jump up. Endurance and a positive attitude are especially useful after 30 years, when the burden of responsibility is greater and the stakes for each decision are higher. Read books on positive psychology and focus on positive experiences more often to develop the habit of seeing life in bright colors.
Communicate with ease
Most often, success does not depend on accumulated knowledge or useful connections, but on the ability to clearly express thoughts, quickly make contact, and confidently express an opinion. Follow the etiquette of business correspondence, delay sending an angry email, be polite to strangers, and your unofficial rating will increase significantly. And the talent to make a good first impression will open the doors of companies for you more than once or help you establish relationships.
Respect those who are not like you
More than once you will come across people who dislike you: those who believe in UFOs, refuse meat or watch Dom-2 - in general, they act not-rightly! Do not rush to re-educate them, but ask yourself who authorized you to decide for others what is good and what is bad. If the interlocutor's views do not threaten your life, try to understand them. This position saves you a lot of nerves and at the same time expands your horizons.
Ask and ask
Many careers and relationships have been shattered by the iceberg of stubborn silence. If your partner is dissatisfied with something, specify the reason. If you want a promotion, learn how to get it. If you need help, do not try to cope on your own, you will not be made a holy martyr for this. Willingness to trust and rely on others after 30 years becomes the main energy-saving resource.
Manage money and time
After 20, you gradually realize that there is not eternity ahead. The ability to choose people and activities will help you not fall into a midlife crisis, because you will not have regrets about mediocre missed opportunities. In financial spending, focus on big goals (study, travel), which will open new horizons for you. Then you can easily deny yourself minute whims like takeaway coffee or cheap jewelry.
Expand your horizons
In today's world, the amount of information is doubling every 18 months. And in order to be known as a sensible person and a competent employee, it is necessary to improve qualifications once in the same period. Regular intellectual activity is useful as a prevention of Alzheimer's disease (the first signs of which sometimes appear at the age of 40) and as a way to learn from the mistakes of others.
Usually, with age, memories of childhood are distorted: dates shift, some facts are erased, emotional ties with events weaken. Therefore, many mothers forget about what problems they worried about in adolescence, and are not able to see the repetition of the same experiences in their daughters. In addition, parents are sometimes dismissive of "children's" complexes, quite reasonably believing that the causes that cause them will soon pass. But girls, having felt changes in their body for the first time, do not know about the temporality of suffering, therefore, any jokes about their complaints about pain in growing breasts, incomprehensible discharge, acne are perceived as an insult and a manifestation of misunderstanding. Incorrect behavior of the mother can lead to the perpetuation of a distorted idea of \u200b\u200bher own unattractiveness and create a distance in communication. There are a number of mistakes made by adults that girls most often complain about when they turn to a psychologist.
No questions about the menstrual cycle. Adolescence is filled with agonizing expectation, everything happens for the first time. And, of course, the key moment of the transition to a new status is the onset of the menstrual cycle. Sometimes mothers believe that the discussion of this topic can be skipped, they say, the daughter knows where the gaskets are in the house, let them use them when the time comes. But the girl is waiting for attention, explanations about intimate hygiene and buying her own pads, for example, such as Always Ultra or Always Classic, which provide comfort with a soft top layer and protection against leaks, and are also very popular among teenagers.
Ignoring the need to buy underwear. Of course, for a parent, an 11-13-year-old daughter is still just a child. Therefore, the mother does not consider breasts that have grown to size zero as a reason to buy a bra, and the girl is afraid to ask. As a result, a teenager becomes an object of harassment by boys and suffers bullying from girls whose parents took care of purchasing women's toilet details. A daughter desperately needs to feel like an adult and should not be deliberately held back as a child. Buying the first bra should be for her a pleasant and memorable ritual of initiation into a girl, after which she will be proud of her forms. If a mother picks up several options for her daughter (lace underwear, push up, smooth with tabs, etc.), then the girl will see in this not only respect for her needs, but also a transition to a new - friendly - level of communication.
Prohibition on the use of hygiene and cosmetic products. It is hard to imagine that modern women are not aware of the need to apply deodorants, remove excess hair on their legs, take care of their hair and apply cosmetics. But for some reason, many mothers live by the stereotypes of their grandmothers, forbidding their daughters to use a razor (since this allegedly increases hair growth on their legs), apply cosmetics (due to the fact that it can age the skin) and monitor the condition of hair and skin (in mainly due to unjustified savings). During the period of hormonal restructuring of the body, the smell of sweat is sharper than in adulthood, acne appears, the first hairs on the body (sometimes not only on the legs, but also on the face), and appearance for 12-17-year-olds plays a key role. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the mother to correctly select youth products and teach her daughter how to use them, showing by her own example how to remove makeup and shave the armpits (yes, these actions, banal from the point of view of an adult, cause girls a lot of questions and fears).
In psychology, there is the concept of “zone of proximal development”. And although it refers to pulling up mental development after training, it is also appropriate to use it when it comes to the interaction between parents and daughter: conversations, purchases, the level of responsibilities should go 1-2 years ahead compared to her current level. Communication taking into account the potential of the girl will allow her to become self-confident in the future, satisfied with her appearance, responsible, able to find a common language with the woman around her. Isn't that the goal of every parent? "Always Academy" wishes all mothers to build a trusting relationship with their daughters and make them the closest friends.
Aksinya DORONINA, Clinical Psychologist, Always Academy
[email protected]
This is the type of relationship where the parent does not cope with her life and responsibilities. She can't always tell the difference between a refrigerator and a washing machine, and turns to the kids for advice as soon as they start talking. You, especially if you are the eldest daughter, had no choice but to become the head of the family. At the same time, your power over the parent and the right to make decisions are limited - in the eyes of the family, you are old enough to take care of yourself, but at any age it is “too early” for you to live separately, come home late, meet a man, start a family. You are too necessary to get "free".
The exchange of roles between children and parents is called parentification. There are a lot of triggers for its development - from a painful divorce to alcohol addiction and an unwanted mother's pregnancy. The burden of negative experiences leads to the fact that your mother does not feel in herself the strength to patronize others. As a result, the child turns into an adult with a chronically unsatisfied need for tenderness. Here are a few signs that you are not warm enough:
PERFECTIONISM AND CONTROL
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From a young age, you strive to ensure that everything is in its place, so the passion for order is your feature.
FEAR OF INCOMPETENCE
If you hear praise, then you look around to check if it is addressed to you. You doubt your knowledge, therefore, despite your good abilities, you climb the career ladder slowly and with difficulty.
AVOIDING CONFLICTS
After watching enough family drama, you turn on the run and hide mode when a fight is about to happen.
ANXIETY, SHAME AND FEAR OF FAILURE
These three are your constant companions. You grew up pretending to be someone you weren't. And in the end, I did not have time to grow my own "I".
DESIRE TO PLEASE
Your self-esteem fluctuates widely and depends on how often you get petted on the head. In order to get approval more often, you work according to a familiar pattern: you try to please everyone around you.
If you are your mother's daughter
Your childhood was like a perfect, cozy, full of love world, created in a single apartment. But you could not carelessly cross its borders. Leaving the house, it was as if you were going out into outer space - you couldn’t spend the night with friends, wear miniskirts, watch TV after 9 pm, swim far into the sea, drink cola chips. If you fought against restrictions, it was rather sluggish, as you grew up with a sense of duty to your mother, who sacrificed a lot for you. And now it’s difficult for you to take independent steps without a guide: even when crossing the road, you reflexively look for someone’s hand. Mom is your superhero who has always been there. Over the years, she has learned to read any of your experiences and even guess your thoughts. She always managed to convincingly justify any ban (or request to tie a scarf tighter) with concern for your welfare. And you didn’t kick back from encroachments on your boundaries, because mom, having devoted her life to you, didn’t make friends and didn’t build relationships. At least that's the version you're used to.
There are a lot of reasons for the development of overprotection. Perhaps it was her personal experience or the anxiety caused by a serious loss. Another common option is the desire to raise a miracle girl - using all pedagogical knowledge and tactics. What problems can a person who has received so much love and attention have? For example, domestic helplessness, but this is just one of the strokes to the portrait. Also included in the kit are:
LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM
You have what's called learned helplessness, which makes you feel like you're not capable of succeeding in life without your mom's supervision.
INABILITY TO RISK
Many life events - job changes, moving, and even romantic relationships - you consider too dangerous undertakings. You have already turned down many tempting offers in favor of peace and stability, which limit your growth and development.
NOT READINESS FOR DISAPPOINTMENT
In a relationship, you expect your partner to become a deputy mother and take care of you, but at work you demand indulgence. If something goes wrong, you can’t cope with grief for a long time.
INABILITY TO SET PERSONAL BORDERS
Over and over again you find yourself in situations where others give you various orders. Due to the experience of frequent shameless intrusion into your territory, it seems absolutely normal for you to receive instructions from outsiders.
Olga Gorkova, a family psychologist, advises on how to separate from your mother without feeling guilty and build a healthy relationship.
- Realize your desire to grow up. It means understanding what you want, where your boundaries lie, and when to say no.
- Stop patronizing her. Give mom as much time as you can afford, taking into account your interests. Give her the opportunity to solve problems herself.
- Accept her for who she is. Mom is dear to you, but do not engage in her re-education and internal disputes with her - free your strength for other relationships.
- Change behavior. If it is difficult to discuss the situation, reduce communication for a while. This will help you realize your own desires without adjusting.
- Show feelings. She used to hide them so as not to upset her mother? As a result, instead of trust, you have only the illusion of warm, spiritual connections.
- Limit topics. Learn not to dedicate your mother to the details of your personal life. This habit makes it difficult to feel like a separate person.
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